Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
