just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
