I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
My bed smells like the plague
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
