Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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