I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
