If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
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