I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
