i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
