Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
