I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
