I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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