I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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