Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize