yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
