There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
My dick has a subreddit
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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