i don't like sucking hair
Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?
I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up
Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
