Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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