I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
