fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
