The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
