I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
