We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
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