It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
