i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
