i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
