Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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