Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
