Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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