I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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