Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I think my fart just growled at me.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
