I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
