I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
