she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
