Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
