who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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