I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
