Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
