Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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