I bet he comes in French.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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