fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
