Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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