theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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