do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
