sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
