I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
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