U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Randomize
