got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
