I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
