Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
