if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
