Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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