My liver just broke up with me...
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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