peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize