i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
