I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize