Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
