i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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