Christians are straight up FREAKS
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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